There is one thing that constantly battles in my brain between my fears and my faith.
The "what if" game.
It gets me so many times that I feel like smacking myself because I know that when I play that game I am dabbling dangerously close to unbelief.
I have to ask myself. Do I trust a sovereign, all wise, all powerful, all loving God with what ever happens to be the "what if" topic of the moment? And if I truly do trust Him, what in the world am I doing even asking the "what if"? Faith stomps out doubt and "what if" is the question of the day when it comes to doubt.
But on the game goes in my head.
Am I the only one that plays this game? Anybody?
In church we have been taking a deeper look at our view of God and how what we think of Him or how we view Him dictates our worship, our actions and our prayer life.
It also determines our level of faith.
So, I say I have faith. And I would stake my life on that faith.
But then something happens and the first question in my mind is "what if?"
Sigh. I'm so weak.
Most times my next thought is a prayer and faith kicks in but sometimes it is weak indeed.
As a parent I am learning how I have to day in day out put my child into God's hand and I can't yank her back and say, "But, Lord, what if?" when things happen. Oh how often I find myself leaning towards that end. And then I remind myself that I promised God that if He would bless us with a child, I would give every day of it's life back to Him.
She's really God's, on loan to us. And He loves her.
Why then do I think I can do a better job than God at things. (I can hear the laughing at that ridiculous thought.) Why do I worry about things I can't control when I know that she has a Heavenly Father who not only can control things but delights in doing so for her good.
So this is me offically giving her to Him one again. ( I think I do that every day.)
Today Lydia had round 1 of her shots. Mommy took it horribly. Knowing something is hurting your baby is THE most horrible thing in the world. (And every mom says, "well, duh.)
Since we've gotten home she's gone between crying and sleeping. All I want to do is hold her. Make sure she's okay. Tell her she'll be fine. Assure her of my love.
Vince says I'm over-reacting. Okay, I'll give him that.
But still.
So tonight I put my baby girl in her crib and patted her until she stopped crying. She was back asleep in 30 seconds but I didn't want to leave. I just watched her.
And I prayed.
See, here's what I know.
Because she lives in a fallen world she will hurt, she will feel pain, she will be sick, she will be sad and I won't always be able to comfort her or take away what hurts. And I can't control the outcome. A cuddle and kiss won't make every ouchy better. I can't control when they come, when they leave and the results of them.
But my heart rejoices in this, that although I am limited to just being there with comfort and prayer I can leave her in the hands of her Abba Father who will never leave her side. He does not slumber. He does not turn away from her. He will stay right there. And He can give her so much more than I can in her need.
Tonight I walked away from her when I saw that she was asleep. I kissed her and left the room. But I left knowing that she was not alone and I know she's being watched very carefully. And I know that tomorrow those same eyes will be watching her and those hands will be holding her and they will continue to do so...always.
That's comforting to me because I know the ouchies will get bigger and there will come a day all to soon when I will wish the only thing that hurts her is a shot.
I can't protect her from those things but I can leave her in better hands knowing she's safe there. And there is no room in that knowledge for "what if".
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day
This song almost makes me cry. It's such a sweet picture.
They took the good video of this off youtube for some reason so this one isn't as good. But the song is still good.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Please Excuse The Dust Around Here
This blog is undergoing a makeover.
Who knows how long it will take but things may look pretty messy
for awhile until things are done.
Check back soon.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
10 Rules For Housekeeping
• "Vacuuming too often will weaken the carpet fibers." Say this with a serious face and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
• Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
• Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply say, "What? And spoil the mood?"
• Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
• If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love for you to see our den but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
• If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place an urn on the coffee table and insist that, "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
• Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
• In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
• Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch 'The Galapagos Islands' and claim an ecological exemption.
• Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
From Mark Lowry
Yep, I gotta try some of these. House isn't looking so great these days.
• Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
• Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply say, "What? And spoil the mood?"
• Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
• If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love for you to see our den but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
• If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place an urn on the coffee table and insist that, "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
• Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
• In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
• Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch 'The Galapagos Islands' and claim an ecological exemption.
• Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
From Mark Lowry
Yep, I gotta try some of these. House isn't looking so great these days.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Hard Lessons Learned
God teaches very good lessons.
He uses many learning tools.
He is already using one very little learning tool that has proven to be a very successful one.
You can probably already guess that the learning tool has a name. Lydia.
I don't think I could even list all the big and small things I have learned just in the few weeks I have been a parent. Some of the lessons have been so huge it's been like getting whacked over the head with the obvious that for some reason I never quite got.
Some of them have been hard lessons to learn because it meant taking a long and hard look at myself and realizing I had some serious flaws. God has used this tiny little bundle of cuteness to work out a big bundle of ugliness in me. Ouch.
It hurts to see what we are. It's shameful to realize that others probably see it in us. It's wonderful to know that God sees and loves us anyway.
One thing that has really confronted me is my need to control things. I never totally realized I was like this to such a degree but the ugly truth is, I'm a control freak.
I came to this realization while laying in bed one night asking God why He wasn't answering my prayer the way I wanted it. I realized two things right then and there.
Number one, As a parent there are many things about my child I can't control. She's her own person and to a large extent I can't really control what she does, when she does it, her body, her health, her mind or her personality. As she grows I have a feeling that will be more and more true in many ways. I have to learn to trust God to take care of her and work in her when I can't. This means placing my most valuable treasure, my child and my heart, in God's [very capable] hands.
Number two, I was trying to control GOD! I wanted Him to answer me in the way I wanted it done and I was almost upset (like a spoiled selfish child) when He didn't do it the way I thought I needed it done.
Wow. That was a shocking and almost sickening realization to me.
I was humbled and immediately repentant but I realized that I had been like that for a long time.
I didn't even know it!
With that revelation came a sadness for what I was but also something else.
Freedom.
Why freedom?
Because I had identified an issue that had honestly dictated emotions and actions (and not for the better) in a lot of areas of my life. As I reflected I saw many times where I was actually trying to control things that weren't mine to control. I saw this in my earthly relationships, in my circumstances and sadly with my spiritual journey as well.
And with the identifying of the problem I have began to see how I can change this. I have already been able to change my approach to things based on my new understanding of myself.
I am free because I see the flaw and see where it has caused stress and anxiety in myself and in those around me. So much anxiety can be eliminated when I realize I don't have to act that way.
When I give up control, especially in areas I have no business controlling or no ability to control, I find that it is easy to give God that control and there I find peace. I can rest and not stress about my need to fix it and let God do it. In His way and in His time. (See some recent previous posts about that very thing.) I find He really is much better at it all.
I tell you this for one reason only. To give God the glory in the fact that He has been showing me myself and is teaching me these lessons. They are hard lessons but they needed to be learned. I rejoice in the freedom they are bringing and the changes they are making in me and my life.
I am learning again that in my weakness and flaws He is strong and He is my strength to deal with and try to change those things.
There are other lessons and heart examinations that I have been going through but I won't share them all. But I will say this. God loves us to the point that He will reveal those things in us that need to be dug out and cleaned. He desires/demands holiness out of us and those things in us that hinder that, He will lovingly and carefully show us as we open ourselves to Him. Then He helps us change them so we can become more like Him.
Sometimes when we aren't paying attention it doesn't feel very loving and careful when He does the revealing but He loves us too much to let those things sit there and fester in our lives. They bring about hurt, anger, guilt and yes, sin. It stings to have those things brought to the surface but once it's out, freedom and peace fill that place. Which is a good thing because we need it when He digs further and starts to reveal even more of us.
He uses many learning tools.
He is already using one very little learning tool that has proven to be a very successful one.
You can probably already guess that the learning tool has a name. Lydia.
I don't think I could even list all the big and small things I have learned just in the few weeks I have been a parent. Some of the lessons have been so huge it's been like getting whacked over the head with the obvious that for some reason I never quite got.
Some of them have been hard lessons to learn because it meant taking a long and hard look at myself and realizing I had some serious flaws. God has used this tiny little bundle of cuteness to work out a big bundle of ugliness in me. Ouch.
It hurts to see what we are. It's shameful to realize that others probably see it in us. It's wonderful to know that God sees and loves us anyway.
One thing that has really confronted me is my need to control things. I never totally realized I was like this to such a degree but the ugly truth is, I'm a control freak.
I came to this realization while laying in bed one night asking God why He wasn't answering my prayer the way I wanted it. I realized two things right then and there.
Number one, As a parent there are many things about my child I can't control. She's her own person and to a large extent I can't really control what she does, when she does it, her body, her health, her mind or her personality. As she grows I have a feeling that will be more and more true in many ways. I have to learn to trust God to take care of her and work in her when I can't. This means placing my most valuable treasure, my child and my heart, in God's [very capable] hands.
Number two, I was trying to control GOD! I wanted Him to answer me in the way I wanted it done and I was almost upset (like a spoiled selfish child) when He didn't do it the way I thought I needed it done.
Wow. That was a shocking and almost sickening realization to me.
I was humbled and immediately repentant but I realized that I had been like that for a long time.
I didn't even know it!
With that revelation came a sadness for what I was but also something else.
Freedom.
Why freedom?
Because I had identified an issue that had honestly dictated emotions and actions (and not for the better) in a lot of areas of my life. As I reflected I saw many times where I was actually trying to control things that weren't mine to control. I saw this in my earthly relationships, in my circumstances and sadly with my spiritual journey as well.
And with the identifying of the problem I have began to see how I can change this. I have already been able to change my approach to things based on my new understanding of myself.
I am free because I see the flaw and see where it has caused stress and anxiety in myself and in those around me. So much anxiety can be eliminated when I realize I don't have to act that way.
When I give up control, especially in areas I have no business controlling or no ability to control, I find that it is easy to give God that control and there I find peace. I can rest and not stress about my need to fix it and let God do it. In His way and in His time. (See some recent previous posts about that very thing.) I find He really is much better at it all.
I tell you this for one reason only. To give God the glory in the fact that He has been showing me myself and is teaching me these lessons. They are hard lessons but they needed to be learned. I rejoice in the freedom they are bringing and the changes they are making in me and my life.
I am learning again that in my weakness and flaws He is strong and He is my strength to deal with and try to change those things.
There are other lessons and heart examinations that I have been going through but I won't share them all. But I will say this. God loves us to the point that He will reveal those things in us that need to be dug out and cleaned. He desires/demands holiness out of us and those things in us that hinder that, He will lovingly and carefully show us as we open ourselves to Him. Then He helps us change them so we can become more like Him.
Sometimes when we aren't paying attention it doesn't feel very loving and careful when He does the revealing but He loves us too much to let those things sit there and fester in our lives. They bring about hurt, anger, guilt and yes, sin. It stings to have those things brought to the surface but once it's out, freedom and peace fill that place. Which is a good thing because we need it when He digs further and starts to reveal even more of us.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
While You Wait
I know you all are sitting on pins and needles while you await my next post. But that will have to wait at least another day because...
1. Laundry
2. Straighten house
3. Cook lunch/dinner
4. Finally take down the Christmas decorations
5. Take a shower
6. Skip all that and sleep when Lydia sleeps and wait to do the list another day.
However, while you wait, I found this blog post and decided to share. Enjoy!
1. Laundry
2. Straighten house
3. Cook lunch/dinner
4. Finally take down the Christmas decorations
5. Take a shower
6. Skip all that and sleep when Lydia sleeps and wait to do the list another day.
However, while you wait, I found this blog post and decided to share. Enjoy!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Finally!
This blog has been on a maternity and baby leave but I'm going to get back at it. I promise.
Today I worked on updates and soon I will be posting again. So check back soon.
Today I worked on updates and soon I will be posting again. So check back soon.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday Scripture
Here are two scripture verses that I have been meditating on recently.
And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart.
You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.
You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Deut 6: 6-9
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
Ps 139: 13-16
*******
And then here is a quote that I found by one of my favorite authors in one of my favorite books, Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss-
“Here is a little mouth to kiss; here are two more feet to make music with their pattering about my nursery. Here is a soul to train for God, and the body in which it dwells is worth all it will cost, since it is abode of a kingly tenant. I may see less of friends, but I have gained one dearer than them all. Yes, my precious baby, you are welcome to your mothers heart, welcome to her time, her strength, her health, to her most tender cares, to her life-long prayers! Oh how rich I am, how truly, how wondrously blest!”
Some Good Advice
Today as I sit here playing the waiting game for Lydia to come, I thought I would give out some advice from a few things I have learned in the past few weeks.
If you are pregnant or know someone who may become pregnant, it might benefit you/them to heed these few simple suggestions.
1. If wearing jeans with a drawstring to church, don't TIE the drawstring just to get a better fit. If you insist on doing this anyway and you have a very sudden urge to visit the little girls room, just make sure you have sissors.
2. Don't yell "my water!" when you are close to your due date, even if it is only because you spilled water. It tends to freak people out and bring them running.
3. No sneezing. At home it's bad, in public it could be worse.
4. Don't wear sweats or pants that tend to slip over your belly. They can come dangerously close to slipping much further past your belly than you like and the people in Kohls probably wouldn't like that. If you must wear an item like this just to "be comfortable" prepare yourself to look a little crazy while you are waddling around holding your pants up.
5. Get yourself a big sheet, make some arms and a neck hole in it, and just wear that.
7. When you look in the mirror and see that your face (and the rest of you) have swollen to proportions that seem a bit horrific, remind yourself that you won't always like like a swollen toad.
8. Don't lay on the floor unless you have someone to help you up that won't "helpfully" insert the fact that you look like a big pregnant beetle that has fallen on her back and can't roll back over. It's okay to smack the person who says this.
9. When you are having moments like this, nothing makes it all better like hubby's arms. Even if he "helpfully" makes certain comments that really don't need to be shared. (See #8)
If you are pregnant or know someone who may become pregnant, it might benefit you/them to heed these few simple suggestions.
1. If wearing jeans with a drawstring to church, don't TIE the drawstring just to get a better fit. If you insist on doing this anyway and you have a very sudden urge to visit the little girls room, just make sure you have sissors.
2. Don't yell "my water!" when you are close to your due date, even if it is only because you spilled water. It tends to freak people out and bring them running.
3. No sneezing. At home it's bad, in public it could be worse.
4. Don't wear sweats or pants that tend to slip over your belly. They can come dangerously close to slipping much further past your belly than you like and the people in Kohls probably wouldn't like that. If you must wear an item like this just to "be comfortable" prepare yourself to look a little crazy while you are waddling around holding your pants up.
5. Get yourself a big sheet, make some arms and a neck hole in it, and just wear that.
7. When you look in the mirror and see that your face (and the rest of you) have swollen to proportions that seem a bit horrific, remind yourself that you won't always like like a swollen toad.
8. Don't lay on the floor unless you have someone to help you up that won't "helpfully" insert the fact that you look like a big pregnant beetle that has fallen on her back and can't roll back over. It's okay to smack the person who says this.
9. When you are having moments like this, nothing makes it all better like hubby's arms. Even if he "helpfully" makes certain comments that really don't need to be shared. (See #8)
10. Enjoy every minute of this experince and thank God for the miracle.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Home Sweet Home
Finally...some pictures of our home.
As you can see not all of the pictures are of the completed room. This is either because the room still isn't completed or I took them before they were done.
I know the lighting is bad in a few but I wanted to get them on here so I'm using what I have.
Enjoy!
As you can see not all of the pictures are of the completed room. This is either because the room still isn't completed or I took them before they were done.
I know the lighting is bad in a few but I wanted to get them on here so I'm using what I have.
Enjoy!
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