Hard Lessons Learned

God teaches very good lessons.
He uses many learning tools.
He is already using one very little learning tool that has proven to be a very successful one.
You can probably already guess that the learning tool has a name. Lydia.
I don't think I could even list all the big and small things I have learned just in the few weeks I have been a parent. Some of the lessons have been so huge it's been like getting whacked over the head with the obvious that for some reason I never quite got.
Some of them have been hard lessons to learn because it meant taking a long and hard look at myself and realizing I had some serious flaws. God has used this tiny little bundle of cuteness to work out a big bundle of ugliness in me. Ouch.
It hurts to see what we are. It's shameful to realize that others probably see it in us. It's wonderful to know that God sees and loves us anyway.
One thing that has really confronted me is my need to control things. I never totally realized I was like this to such a degree but the ugly truth is, I'm a control freak.
I came to this realization while laying in bed one night asking God why He wasn't answering my prayer the way I wanted it. I realized two things right then and there.
Number one, As a parent there are many things about my child I can't control. She's her own person and to a large extent I can't really control what she does, when she does it, her body, her health, her mind or her personality. As she grows I have a feeling that will be more and more true in many ways. I have to learn to trust God to take care of her and work in her when I can't. This means placing my most valuable treasure, my child and my heart, in God's [very capable] hands.
Number two, I was trying to control GOD! I wanted Him to answer me in the way I wanted it done and I was almost upset (like a spoiled selfish child) when He didn't do it the way I thought I needed it done.
Wow. That was a shocking and almost sickening realization to me.
I was humbled and immediately repentant but I realized that I had been like that for a long time.
I didn't even know it!
With that revelation came a sadness for what I was but also something else.
Freedom.
Why freedom?
Because I had identified an issue that had honestly dictated emotions and actions (and not for the better) in a lot of areas of my life. As I reflected I saw many times where I was actually trying to control things that weren't mine to control. I saw this in my earthly relationships, in my circumstances and sadly with my spiritual journey as well.
And with the identifying of the problem I have began to see how I can change this. I have already been able to change my approach to things based on my new understanding of myself.
I am free because I see the flaw and see where it has caused stress and anxiety in myself and in those around me. So much anxiety can be eliminated when I realize I don't have to act that way.
When I give up control, especially in areas I have no business controlling or no ability to control, I find that it is easy to give God that control and there I find peace. I can rest and not stress about my need to fix it and let God do it. In His way and in His time. (See some recent previous posts about that very thing.) I find He really is much better at it all.
I tell you this for one reason only. To give God the glory in the fact that He has been showing me myself and is teaching me these lessons. They are hard lessons but they needed to be learned. I rejoice in the freedom they are bringing and the changes they are making in me and my life.
I am learning again that in my weakness and flaws He is strong and He is my strength to deal with and try to change those things.
There are other lessons and heart examinations that I have been going through but I won't share them all. But I will say this. God loves us to the point that He will reveal those things in us that need to be dug out and cleaned. He desires/demands holiness out of us and those things in us that hinder that, He will lovingly and carefully show us as we open ourselves to Him. Then He helps us change them so we can become more like Him.
Sometimes when we aren't paying attention it doesn't feel very loving and careful when He does the revealing but He loves us too much to let those things sit there and fester in our lives. They bring about hurt, anger, guilt and yes, sin. It stings to have those things brought to the surface but once it's out, freedom and peace fill that place. Which is a good thing because we need it when He digs further and starts to reveal even more of us.