The Spider Who Came To Church (But Didn't Get Saved)

That's just about right!

I do not like spiders.
I do not like them in my house.
I do not like them in my car.
I do not like them in my yard.
I do not like them anywhere, Sam I am.
And I really don't like them when one is crawling on my child, about ready to sneak it's creepy little way under her shorts-
IN THE MIDDLE OF CHURCH!
(With Vincent not there, of course.)

I had just told Lydia to lay still a little longer because church was almost over. She obeyed, curled up in the pew with her head on my lap and was laying there peaceably. Not a minute later and rather loudly, I whispered to her GET UP (trying not to scream during the final prayer).
She looked at me like "Huh?" and didn't know what to do.
Understandable, but there was a spider on you, girl!
(I didn't tell her that.)

Here's how it all played out- As she had curled back up to get comfy for the remainder of church, her dress was up just enough to reveal the shorts underneath.
As I went to pull her dress down a black spider crawled from her hip to her shorts and tried to make a bee-line under them.
I had to quickly muster up my "panic in silence" skills because I really wanted to scream.
I thought..."I'm gonna have to get that thing off her" so I (screaming inside all the while) did my best to fling it off her. It went flying about the time she was in the process of sitting up, looking at me oddly. It all happened pretty quickly but I'm pretty sure things started to go in slow motion.
I did manage to fling it far from us but then decided it needed to die, so during final prayer I was busy killing the horrid thing with Lydia's coloring book.
After I killed it, I told Lydia what happened and then picker her up as if everything were cool and we sang the closing hymn as if I hadn't just had a spider war and as if my heart weren't pounding like a hammer.

But I was victorious! I am woman, hear me roar!

Epilogue:
(Tonight, halfway through song service, Lydia beside me happily coloring.)
I'm sitting with my legs crossed, swinging them in time to the music
Looking down for a split second, something black on my shoe catches my attention. Something black that isn't supposed to be there.
Before I have a clear, reasonable thought as to what it might be, my heart leaps to my throat and I jump enough to startle Lydia.
She gives me that same odd look from this morning and then goes back to her picture.
Probably wondering why her mother is scared of a black piece of fuzz.

Happy dreams tonight!